...Lets Go Of Those Negative Memories!

So you're sitting with your head in your hands lamenting the whole packet of donuts you just ate or that date you went on with Mr/Miss Bizzarro. Or any number of scenarios that we all regret day in and day out. Our internal dialogue yells at us "When will I stop making such stupid mistakes? How dumb can a person be?" 

Whenever Im feeling guilty or embarrassed about a poor judgement call I've made in the past, this is what I do:

1. STOP! Don't allow your mind to take over and keep reminding you of your mistake. This is dangerous and it can lead you onto a downward spiral of negativity which will only serve to delay your personal growth and wear you out before you've started. I will often say to myself in a gently persuasive voice, something like "Come on Mumtaz don't go there now." And that's all it takes to stop the spiral from taking hold.

2. LOVE myself more than I love my best friend. That way I'm guaranteed to be kind to myself. Who sits across the table from their best friend and calls them a lazy, fat and useless failure? You just wouldn't do it! So why are we so prepared to do it to ourselves? As an aside, if your friends do say those things to you then really you need some new friends. Your current friends are not helping you grow as a person. Trust me on this one. Speak kindly to yourself, with love, compassion and forgiveness and treat yourself with the utmost respect. Stand tall and smile.

3. APPROACH the painful or negative memory from a new angle. We always make decisions on the basis of the information we had at that particular time, so I will tell myself that if I had more information at the time, my decision would possibly have been different. The past is done with and I can't change it. I did my best with the facts and resources I had at the time. That's all there is to it, and this is where I am now.

4. DEFINE a new intention regarding the negative memories and adopt that as the replacement feeling for the old memory. 

Before you know it, regrets will be a thing of the past. Instead of dwelling on the past negatively, you'll start to see it more as a reference library of how you used to do things as compared to your new improved way. 

You may have to practise this a few times, but eventually you'll be doing it without even noticing it, and you'll be patting yourself on the back for a job well done!

...Talks About Overcoming Adversity, Obstacles And Baking Meringues!

I always wanted to learn how to make meringues but was put off due to the misconception that they had to be left overnight in a warm oven to set. I mean really! Who can be bothered? So when I said wistfully that I'd never been keen on making them because of the time-consuming process, my daughter chipped in "You just whisk the egg whites with sugar till it's firm then bake for 40 minutes and they're done Mum!"

Suddenly it all seemed so simple. And it made me reflect how that brief conversation was a mirror of what happens to us all at some point or another in our lives. It boils down to this - life's so simple when you know how. 

Overcoming obstacles is easy when you know how. 

But consider this. How many times have you been put off from doing something because you're frightened of the potential outcome (which *in our heads* is usually a negative one)? Speaking for myself, even though I've displayed copious quantities of Boadicean bravery, there have been a few times in my life when the paralysis fear of failure brings has set in and it's resulted in my just walking away without even trying. Or I've tolerated a bad situation because I was afraid of the consequences of upsetting the status quo. Granted, this has only happened on those occasions when I didn't know how to do something and there was nobody in my life who was willing or available to help, but happen it did.

Now there's the school of thought that says "if at first you don't succeed, try try again", but I'm rather inclined to believe that the phrase wouldn't have been invented if there wasn't a huge number of people opting not to "try try again".

So many of us give up without trying, because the fear of failure and of looking silly in front of our peers is simply mortifying. We'd rather not go there thank you very much. 

But I do firmly believe that overcoming adversity is one of life's key functions. It's what tests our mettle and it gets us out of our oh-so-comfortable comfort zones. But what if the adversity cannot be avoided? What if the very safety of our beloved comfort zones is destroyed?

Adversity comes in many forms and in recent years we have truly been tested globally with an alarming increase in man-made terrors as well as those meted out by divinity - terrorist attacks, tsunamis, volcanoes, floods and hurricanes to mention but a few. My personal approach in tackling challenges in my life has been to firstly assess and then take the best positive steps to overcome any given obstacle, combined with a calm acceptance that no matter what the outcome, at least I have tried.

This two-fold approach of action combined with positive expectation is a very powerful combination and small successes will inevitably lead to a willingness, or even a daring if you will, to attempt to overcome even larger obstacles. 

11 years ago my first marriage ended after a long and weary battle of which I was a reluctant but necessary participant. It left me depleted of my energy, my faith in men and my passion for life. Furthermore, I found myself homeless with a 6 year old and a 4 year old, with no money, no job and very little going for me. But at no time did I stop and lament over what I had lost, instead I set about making a new life for myself and my children, and rebuilding our shattered lives. I did have bad days and there were lots of tears but through it all I kept on moving and I didn't lose my focus. 

I'm very lucky and my immediate family was utterly wonderful, and their loving support was crucial in the creation of the fantastic life I now have with my two beautiful children. However, the key factor was my own sheer determination that I was going to succeed in overcoming my obstacles. It was my personal Everest and I climbed it and planted the flag of Mumtaz Hussain square on the summit. I always knew I had to keep going no matter what, and I always knew it would work out in the end. I didn't always know how, but I put my faith in God and I knew it would work out. Failure wasn't an option and stopping wasn't an option. I kept on going, and throughout my (sometimes extremely arduous and soul-destroying) journey, I surrounded myself with people who loved me and supported me no matter what. For that I am truly grateful and I shall be for all of eternity. Now I have my own law practice, I run an online business and I manage rental property, I drive a gorgeous car and regularly take foreign holidays. 

Materially speaking, my life is amazing. But the really painful obstacles I had to overcome were those created in my heart and in my mind as a result of the initial betrayal and subsequent cruel hardship I and my small children experienced at the hands of someone who I shall only describe as a very lost man. I say that because no matter what, he is and will remain the father of my children. I do not intend to cast him in the role of evil wrongdoer. He was simply playing his part.

Those emotional obstacles are predictably taking a little longer to overcome, but I'm getting there. A broken bone can be healed and its progress can be charted quite neatly, but emotional pain is harder to overcome and healing at that level is far more complex. It requires a huge amount of forgiveness, compassion, certainty and lots of self belief and self encouragement. 

And now that I'm happy with myself and the new life I've fashioned for myself, I'm able to say quite unequivocally that I definitely do want to get married again. It took me a long time to be able to say that out loud!

I'm in no rush though because I also know that when that wonderful person comes into my life, we will both know that we should be together, and I trust that it will happen effortlessly and beautifully. I do want to find myself in that carefree place where I can smile on the inside and trust again. I have been there before, I've experienced it with every fibre of my being and let me tell you, it's spectacular. And what's more, I deserve it.

I'm worth it, to quote a well-known cosmetic brand!

I know it's just a matter of time until I'm there again, I can feel it with just as much certainty as I'd know my broken bones had healed...let's just say I'm a work in progress. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's not an oncoming train this time!

So armed with the knowledge that I can rebuild a broken life, hey what's a few broken eggs to make a meringue? I'll give it a go and if I get stuck, my daughter's always here to lend a helping hand. Or there's always the supermarket!

If you're having a stressful time overcoming obstacles and you want to learn how to control your anger and stay calm in the most difficult of situations you need this powerful and unique relaxation plan.

Disclaimer: If you're currently experiencing difficulties in your own life then please note that the writer cannot accept liability for any reliance that is placed on the contents of this article. This is a personal account of overcoming adversity. Please consult your health practitioner.

...Talks About Being A Muslim Woman In 21st Century Britain.

I'm extremely proud to call myself a Muslim and I'm proud to say my faith means a lot to me. I don't wear hijjab but I don't dress immodestly either, and I've never drunk alcohol or taken any recreational drugs of any sort. I only eat halal food and I only buy meat from halal butchers.

All of these standards are personal to and tailor-made for me and stem from my Islamic faith. 

I'd like to be able to say that because I live in England in 2010 it's easier for me to embrace my Islamic faith freely & devote more time to the beauty that is to be found in the fundamentals of Islamic teachings. England provides an environment that is far more tolerant towards women than most Islamic countries, but even so, I'm saddened at the realisation that I cannot wholeheartedly say that I'm totally relaxed about my Islamic heritage & living an Islamic life. 

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to live in the patriarchal setting of, say, Saudi Arabia where women cannot drive, have fewer rights than men in family matters, and are generally treated as second class citizens. In Afghanistan it is well documented that under Taliban rule, young girls were not allowed to be educated and even now the old regime still has a terrifying grip on social attitudes towards females in the community. For the women in those countries, living a strictly Islamic life is compulsory. It is simply not negotiable.

I am a proud mum of a teenage daughter and I'm well aware that her life has been relatively carefree and as a result she has carved a gleaming educational path for herself. This simply would not have been the case in Saudi, Afghanistan or Pakistan. At the same time I've taught her the tenets of her cultural heritage and she has the same respect for Islam that I do. 

The difficulty sometimes arises when we try to fit in to British culture. It's extremely difficult for us to hear the words muttered and uttered by racist minorities pertaining to "returning home". When the England football team is playing Italy or France, we are English and proud of it. When the British General Election results in a hung parliament, we debate the pros and cons for the benefit of the country as a whole from our standpoint as British citizens. We want to fit in here. This is our home, always has been and always will be.

Upon closer inspection however I guess the truth is I don't really fit in anywhere. My parents came to this country at a very young age (my mum at 8 and my dad at 17) hoping to make a better life for themselves. They did a marvellous job of it & I'm proud to say that they've never claimed social security benefits, have always worked and contributed to the economy. My father started his first business at the tender age of 22 when there was no Business Link, no business support groups or forums and certainly no networking organisations. He had been in England for a mere 4 years. 

I and all my siblings were born here in England and were all privately educated. I speak English better than my mother tongue, although I can get by in my mother tongue. I can cook practically anything (good Muslim girl) and I run a tight ship at home (good Muslim girl - home-maker being the Muslim woman's key role), but I'm a divorced single mum (bad Muslim girl). It has to be said that a lot of the judgements in brackets (although slightly tongue in cheek) come from the Muslim communities here in England. In the eyes of the wider British community however I'm an accomplished woman. 

Therefore (and I say this with a heavy heart) for me there is an underlying sense of nomadic lack of belonging. The irony is I don't fit in when I go back to my parent's mother country either. And even more ironic is that neither do they. There is an entire community of first generation immigrants from the Indian Sub-Continent who live not just in England, but around the world, and who carry with them an innate sense of disconnection, akin almost to living in another dimension. The customs and traditions they brought with them to their host countries no longer apply "back home" because things have moved on and developed in their homelands, and the same customs do not sit comfortably with established British cultural routines. So a unique enclave is created for the immigrants and their descendants, which is gradually diluted as amalgamation into the host country deepens generationally.

That amalgamation is a good thing in my opinion, and embracing and adopting other cultures and traditions will always bring benefits, particularly when accompanied by mutual respect, understanding, tolerance and acceptance. 

I am tremendously proud to call myself a Muslim especially in 2010 when there is so much negative propaganda surrounding Islam and it's teachings. 

Islam is a beautiful faith, which teaches love, tolerance and patience. It has been corrupted in part by misguided people who seek to use the power contained in prescribed religion to create terrible hardships and to control the masses. However, ultimately a false impression of the Islamic way of life is their one true lasting creation. 

I am also very happy that my parents settled here in England because the opportunities that have been afforded to me would simply not have been available had they opted to settle in Turkey or Saudi Arabia or even America. The task at hand for me and for many other Muslim women is to accept our differences with pride and to embrace the similarities. 

It is crucial that we be grateful for this amazing opportunity where we can freely choose to live as Muslim women in a secular, tolerant and democratic country rather than having an Islamic way of life being forced upon us.

Whilst writing this, I became so absorbed I forgot to put dinner on for the kids and forgot to do the laundry (bad muslim girl).

disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this article are personal to the writer and do not in any way represent the views of any group, community or nation. Please do not place any reliance on the contents of this article without doing your own independent research. 

...Takes A Day Off.

I'm a single mum of 2 and I'm also a solicitor, a business owner, I manage rental property and I have just started an online business. I'm what you might call busy. Like many other working mums I rarely get time to myself, but luckily I love all my jobs.

Despite my love of the various jobs and all the different hypothetical hats I get to wear on any given day, one of my true yearnings is to have one of those days when I can just stay at home and relax.

Well...hang on a minute....I'll relax on my day off subject to a few conditions, of course. The small print of "Mumtaz's Day Off" would read something like "I will stay at home provided..."

1. The children are at school (doesn't count if you're not a parent but please keep reading);
2. The dishes are washed;
3. The laundry is done;
4. The ironing is done;
5. The house is clean and tidy;
6. The pile of "I'll look at that later" post in the kitchen has been looked at;
7. The beds are made;
8. The bathroom(s) are clean;
9. The kitchen is clean;
10.The bills are all paid;
11.The dinner is planned & prepared if possible;
12. The car is clean;
13. The lawn is mowed;
14. The weeding is done;
15. The dishwasher has been emptied;
16. The breakfast dishes have been cleared away;
17. The grocery shopping is all done;
18. The dusting is done;
19. The kitchen floor has been mopped;
20. The plants are watered;
21. The shoes are polished;
22. The cereal from breakfast must be put away;
23. The breakfast table must be cleaned and wiped (when children sprinkle sugar on cereal why do they always sprinkle the floor and the table and their chair?)
24. Any bits of sewing (hems, buttons and curtains) is all up to date.
25. The errands are all done (did you pick up the dry cleaning?);
26. Those "I'll call them later" phone calls have all been made.

Wow. That's some day off isn't it?

On second thoughts maybe I'll just go into the office today. I guess I'll have to leave my manicure, pedicure, massage and facial for another day. Yes - I'm rolling my eyes along with you my dear reader.

The subtext of the long (and not exhaustive by any means) list above is that all around the country, in fact scratch that, all around the world women both with and without children (and a fair few of the fathers I daresay) heave a collective sigh of relief when they get to their desks at work, knowing that for the next few hours they can forget about the seemingly never-ending massive pile of chores, tasks and housework that awaits back home. At work, mums and dads get to delegate and share the load, we get to socialise or at least interact with other adults on subjects other than the school play or parent's evening or homework.

Perhaps most importantly, we get to feel appreciated for our efforts.

That's got to be easier than running a home surely?

Disclaimer: Please don't feel the need to tear strips off working parents as a result of reading this. This article is just for fun...everyone knows that households run themselves with no organisational input  required whatsoever.

...Finds Heaven On Earth!

To me marriage is one of the most sacred commitments two people will make in their lifetimes. The promises that we make on our wedding day to each other before God, our family and friends contain some of the most important words and intentions we will ever utter. 

But the wedding day itself is just the start. It can take months, even years to arrange a wedding, but planning for marriage often gets overlooked amid the activity of planning the wedding. The catering, the venue, the guest-list, the DJ, the favours, the cake, the dress, the suit, the pageboys, the bridesmaids, the cars.....the list goes on and on. The planning stage is phenomenally involved and time consuming. 

But I wonder how many betrothed couples take time to discuss their marriage? How many take time to talk about their future plans, their shared principles, their shared standards and, perhaps most importantly, how many have a discussion about those areas where they don't share a joint view? Those are the areas where inevitable compromises will have to be made to ensure a harmonious household. 

Why bother doing that? Well to me, it's because harmony in a marriage is crucial, and it's far better to have the discussions before the wedding rather than after the wedding. Just so that both of you know how the land lies. Whilst nobody can predict what's going to happen in a marriage, we must surely agree that a chat beforehand will allow the couple some valuable insight into how the land may lie during their marriage. 

Marriage is an unknown entity. Circumstances change, people change and sometimes personality traits are revealed that neither party could have foreseen. But maybe, just maybe if the discussion had taken place then they would have been prepared. 

An Apache blessing describes marriage in this way, "...Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth for the other. Now there is no more loneliness, for each of you will be companion for the other. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you. Go now to your dwelling place to begin the days of your life together. May your days together be good and long upon the earth..." 

I see marriage as a lifelong journey that two people agree to take together, side by side, hand in hand, both moving forward in the same direction. The trials and tribulations of life may rock them or just gently sway them from time to time, but their overall intention is to maintain harmony in their sacred marriage. That is their overriding objective and they achieve this through constant and daily loving gestures towards each other. These small acts of love give physical expression to their profound love for each other. Theirs was a marriage of souls and hearts before it was ever a marriage on earth. Their sacred vows were sealed in their hearts before they were ever uttered out loud. Their capacity to love each other extends far beyond their regular beautiful kindnesses. The depth of their souls' original unity will evolve and it will be revealed to each of them as they journey together through the lifetime of their marriage. The revelation will take place over the days, weeks, months and years of their marriage and throughout their devotion to each other will grow. Gradually the true shape of their divine connection takes shape and will be reshaped by the many intricacies that life will throw their way. 

They will experience everything in life separately via unique life experiences, and jointly they will use this to ensure that the essence of their connection remains intact, fresh and instantly recognisable. Tolerance, patience, kindness and compassion flow freely in their marriage.

They compliment each other beautifully in every way, like chocolates and flowers, like the flower and the honey bee, and like raindrops on roses. Together they are the physical manifestation of grace, friendship, nurturing, protection and loveliness. They are warmed and nurtured by the potency of their combined energy, and a fixed feature in the landscape of their marriage is the constant flow of love.

To them, it's simple. Comforting and nurturing each other is their life's calling.

I'm going to end this with a repeat of that beautiful Apache blessing, because I think you'll agree it bears repeating, "...Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth for the other. Now there is no more loneliness, for each of you will be companion for the other. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you. Go now to your dwelling place to begin the days of your life together. May your days together be good and long upon the earth..."