...Survives Teenagers!

Ok so...teenagers. This is a very touchy subject, and all you parents of teenagers out there know what I'm talking about here. The band My Chemical Romance sing of teenagers who "scare the living sh*t out of me". 

I have got two of them. You may have only one or you may have 6. At the time of writing, mine are 14 and 16. All full of hormones and letting the whole world know about it.  They've got an opinion on everything and they're always right. 

Sound familiar? At this point may I say that you have my sympathies. 

First a few pertinent questions: have you searched for this article because your teenagers are driving you crazy? Have you just lost your voice in the latest bout of yelling? Truth be told is all the energy you've got left going to your fingers while you type on your keyboard? Is the keyboard taking the brunt of it right now? Bashing those keys are we? YES? Then read on! This may help.

1. TAKE A DEEP BREATH: In fact take as many breaths as you think you need. This will give you some distance from the scenario and will defuse the intensity of the situation. It benefits both you and your beloved teenager, and gives you a chance to consider if this is really how you wish to engage with each other. This may be the end of it and you might not need to read any more. Congratulations, and have a great day. However, if after doing this you still feel the need to re-engage then please continue reading.

2. SAY YOUR PIECE: The operative word here being "say". Please try not to yell. When you have perfected this method, please email me and share how you did it without yelling. I was raised in a household where yelling was the norm, and even though as an adult I now understand the negative impact on the children when we yell, I still do it on occasions. It's rare but it does still happen. Try to remember your words are the same whether you yell or speak them. Say what you have to say, get your point across calmly and the chances are you will be heard. If you yell and stomp (I'm not a stomper by the way) then the message gets lost and they just won't hear you. Take as long as you need to, write it down if you have to, but get it out there. 

3.STICK TO THE FACTS and don't use accusatory blaming language. Say "When you did that, it made me feel_____", rather than "You're always acting up and you're so stupid and useless." Keep focused on the matter at hand, and avoid using this latest incident to personify your child. Consider pointing out the "...stupid thing you did.." rather than "...you're so stupid.." Stay respectful and maintain your dignity at all times.

4. GIVE AND ASK FOR AN APOLOGY: It may or may not be appropriate for you to apologise, but this is for you to assess. If you think that your actions may have caused the argument in the first place then just apologise. Remember you're the adult, and you want to teach your teenager how an adult would behave. If they witness you engaging with them in a destructive way they will learn that this is how adults respond, and they will repeat the behaviour in their own adult life. If you think you deserve an apology then ask for one. It may not be forthcoming, but that is up to them. You only need to ask. Remember they are hormonal teenagers, and the last thing they want to do is accept they are wrong. Your job as the parent is to show them that sometimes you have to hold your hands up and take responsibility for your actions. Bear in mind that the apology may come many years down the line, when they are facing the same situation with their own teenagers.

5. TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM: Why? Because you do. The bond between parent and child is not broken because of a temporary hormonal imbalance your child is enduring. Sometimes they need the reassurance of hearing that you love them. Be the adult and just say it.

6. WALK AWAY: This is such an important stage in an argument with your teenager. Leave the room and let what you have said sink in. It may or may not have an immediate impact but it will get through at some level, and walking away is a very powerful way of exercising self-control.

7. LET IT GO: Remember you want them to go out in to the big wide world fully kitted out with the toolbox of social skills. You're the parent. They won't learn these lessons at school. Also you have the benefit of experience. Your intensely hormonal teenager may think they know it all, but you really do know it all. This won't be the first time you have a disagreement, and the chances are it will happen again. Why exhaust yourself every time? Life really is too short, so give yourself a break and let it go. Rest assured they will remember and one day they will thank you for your calm, collected approach. 

If your stress levels are affecting you and your family, then take a look at this unique program which may help you.

...Reflects On Loneliness.

I think I'm safe in making the following fairly bold statement : we do not live in lighthouses. 

If of course you do live in a lighthouse, and that is your preferred choice of abode, then I guess the contents of this probably won't appeal to you. I'm reaching out to those of you who are feeling isolated and lonely rather than those of us who are choosing solitude.

Being alone can be very isolating, whether you're at home with small children, craving adult conversation, or whether your children have grown up and left home, leaving you with crushing silence. A relationships may have ended, and you may be feeling as though your home has suddenly grown in size overnight! Or even if you don't have children, haven't just finished a relationship and you simply live alone. Whatever your particular situation you have found this article because you've realised you want things to change, and I'm going to try to help you.

It can often take a long time to realise that you're in what can, sometimes, be a damaging and wearing cycle of tension and emptiness that loneliness can bring. By the time you've realised it, often the temptation is to leave things well alone, because even though things may not be ideal, it's your comfort zone and we do love our comfort zones. 

But like I said, you're reading this because you do want things to change and you do want to get out of your comfort zone and create a new one. There are lots of different ways to achieve this and you really need to see which one appeals to you the most. 

So these are my tried and tested methods for getting out of this particular rut:

1. Get dressed  - sounds weird, I know but how many times have you sat at home in your pj's and not even bothered to get dressed? Come on, be honest!

2. Go out - even if you just step out of your house for a walk. The fresh air will do you good and immediately your perspective will start to alter. Wow! There is life outside my house after all!

3. Talk to people - contact your family and friends you've lost touch with, and make arrangements to meet up with them outside your house even if it's just for a coffee or a walk in the park.

4.  Get a hobby - take up an interest in architecture, or learn a new language. Do anything in fact that gets the old grey matter moving again. In fact it doesn't really matter what you do, but DO is the operative word here. Activity will stimulate your brain, which incidentally will also keep you young, and we all want that don't we! You'll also meet new people and widen your social circle.

5. Volunteer your time at a local old people's home or at a charity centre. Studies have proven that this type of contribution will benefit you equally as much as the people you're helping, giving you a renewed sense of value.

6. If you've got small children join a local mother and baby group - this will bring immeasurable benefits to both you and your children. If there isn't one near you, then how about starting one! 

So there you have it - my 6 simple suggestions for combating loneliness. These suggestions do not represent an exhaustive list by any means, and it's highly likely that a few of your own ideas will pop into your head whilst you're reading this. You don't have to do all of the above, and you don't have to do something every day - start with a commitment to do one thing just once a week. 

The key objective is for you to envisage yourself engaged in a healthy, positive activity that diminishes the sense of isolation you're feeling and enhances relaxation.

Disclaimer: this article is intended to be a guide for those readers who are experiencing mild frustration at their loneliness. If your symptoms are strong, then please seek advice from your health care provider.

...Shares Her 5 Favourite Stress Busters!

If you're ready to scream because the stress is getting too much for you, then try these 5 quick and easy methods to relieve the stress:

1. BE GRATEFUL for your life, and count your blessings. Look around you and make a list of 10 things to be grateful for, starting with the fact that you're breathing and the other 9 will follow easily. 

2. SMILE. Smiling releases masses of stress instantaneously. Try it now! Smile at others as well and spread the joy and good energy!

3. THINK POSITIVELY and if this is challenging for you, then start by finding just 3 things to be positive about. You could perhaps start with the positive feelings that you get from knowing you're going home from work soon, or you're getting paid soon! 

4. EXERCISE at least 3 times a week, for 30 minutes. This will help relieve stress in so many ways from releasing your toxins, and boosting your immunity, to increasing your stamina and of course getting you physically fit and trim! If you're at work now, then leave your desk and walk around the office for a few minutes - it will work wonders. 

5. BE KIND to yourself and to others. This is great for relieving stress because so often our stress levels rise because we feel that others have been unkind to us. My suggestion is to turn it on it's head and focus on our own kindness and this will result in us feeling less stressed. After all, why would we get stressed with others if we aren't even thinking about them, but instead focussing on our own kind behaviour?

So there you have it. My 5 easy stress busters, that you can do anywhere, to release you from the confinement of stress. 

Are you serious about living a stress free life? Are you now ready to take your relaxation to the next level? If you are then you need to try this ultimate relaxation program.

...Shares 15 Easy Tips For Happiness!

Happiness is our birthright. When we see a small baby we instinctively squeal with delight at his or her first smile. Our natural human instinct is to lean is towards happiness, but as time passes and life's experiences unfold, we can sometimes lose our mojo. When that happens it can be hard to retain our sense of perspective and we can fall into the habit of negative thinking. Maybe money's tight, or your relationship has ended, or you had a row with your best friend. 

No matter what has happened to wipe that smile off your face, you must try to do whatever you can to put it back, and I don't mean eating another bar of chocolate or having another plate of macaroni cheese! 

Here's 15 things you can do today that will bring a smile to your face, if not get you laughing out loud!

1. Avoid negative people. I don't really need to expand on this one too much do I? You know who they are, and you know how they make you feel, and you know you need to avoid them.  If you can't avoid them altogether then at least keep them at arms length, and minimise your contact with them.

2. Stand in front of a mirror, look into your eyes and smile. Tell yourself how wonderful you are and that you deserve to be happy. Do this a few times a day, even if it feels silly. This works wonders to lift your spirits!

3. Avoid wearing black clothes, and inject some colour into your wardrobe. We tend to wear black when we want to make ourselves invisible and blend in with the walls (unless you're a vampire or Count Dracula?) No but really, wearing brighter colours will cheer you up. Get some pinks to feel more feminine, blue to feel calm and orange to get that spark of creativity flowing! 

4. Do some exercise and get some air into those lungs! We all know that regular activity benefits us enormously, both mentally and physically, even if it's just for 20 minutes a day. So take a brisk walk, run up and down your stairs a few times, do star jumps during the commercial breaks when you're watching TV. This will ensure you feel more energised and help you stay trim and fit, which will in turn have a knock-on positive effect on your mood.

5. Put on music that makes you happy, or with lyrics that cheer you up. Try Bach's Brandenburg Concerto's or Mozart's Ein Kleine Nachtmusik. If you prefer mainstream music then try Jimmy Cliff "I Can See Clearly Now" or Michael Jackson "The Way You Make Me Feel", "My Love" by Justin Timberlake or even Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" to name but a few. Anything that's definitely going to put a smile on your face.

6. Watch comedy shows, funny movies or go to a comedy night. Happiness is the aim here and what could be better than laughing?

7. Decide to be happy. Habits are formed very easily and if we simply decide to be happy then it will become a habit. Aristotle said "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit."  

8. Say yes to your dreams. All too often we want a better lifestyle, or a more fulfilling relationship, or a slimmer body, but we look at what we have now, which may be a far cry from the ideal life of our dreams, and in our frustration we kill the dream off before it's even started to develop. Instead, let the seed of the dream take root, and you will find that in a very short time, things will start happening that will help turn that dream a reality. You might meet someone wonderful, or you might get a great new job offer, and this will happen simply because you said yes to your dreams and allowed them to unfold.

9. Fake it till you make it! This is one of my personal favourites. It doesn't mean if I act like a billionaire then I'm necessarily going to become one, but it does mean that my confidence is boosted, I'll stand taller and feel elevated. All of these are going to make me feel happier, and I'll give off a happier vibe, and as a result I'll attract positive experiences and positive people. Cultivate an internal sense that's always pointed towards happiness.

10. Smile! :) This is surprisingly simple, but it works a treat. Smiling at others is always lovely, and others love to see a smiling person, so go on - try it now!

11. Bloom where you're planted. 3 years ago, I had to move 200 miles away from my friends, my parents and my partner, and I hated it. My entire support network was gone overnight. I did everything I could to avoid putting roots down in my new home. I kept telling myself it was a temporary move, and that I'd be back before I knew it. And as might be expected, I got more and more miserable. So I decided to heed my own advice, and try to make the best of it. I joined a gym, I started to socialise more, made lots of new friends and now I know that wherever I find myself geographically, I can be happy mentally. And I am!

12. See the silver lining, because every cloud has one. If a relationship has ended, consider the reasons it's ended and be glad because now you can attract the person who is more suited to you - someone who wants to be with you, rather than the person who was happier with his friends. Someone who can't wait to spend the rest of his life with you, rather than the person who hesitates when marriage is mentioned. When you're sick and your body isn't as healthy as it was, use the time convalescing to review your lifestyle, your diet, and fitness routine. This will give you a renewed focus and allow your body to heal from a mentally positive perspective.

13. Believe and have faith in a Higher Power, whether that's God, Allah, the Jedi Master or The Universal Great Lord, and trust that your happiness matters to that Higher Power. This will enhance your sense of value, as well as renewing your confidence and allowing you to relax into a happier frame of mind. Someone else has got your back, and you're always safe.

14. Contribute to the community and help others in an area that means something to you. Run the marathon for charity or volunteer at a local charity shop. The beneficial attributes here are self explanatory.  

15. Remember tomorrow is another day! You get another chance to do it all over again, and the best part is you can improve on what you did today, tweak a few things here and there, and relax - it's never going to be perfect. But you've done your best, and that's all you ever need to do.

This article was originally entitled "10 Things to Make You Happy Today" but the more I wrote, the more things I found that make me happy, and the same will happen for you too. Look for reasons to be happy and you'll find them. See, there's number 16!

Disclaimer: Please seek advice from a healthcare professional if you are experiencing extreme bouts of unhappiness or depression. The writer cannot take responsibility for any reliance that is placed on the contents of this article, without the reader doing their own research to accompany it.

...Lets Go Of Those Negative Memories!

So you're sitting with your head in your hands lamenting the whole packet of donuts you just ate or that date you went on with Mr/Miss Bizzarro. Or any number of scenarios that we all regret day in and day out. Our internal dialogue yells at us "When will I stop making such stupid mistakes? How dumb can a person be?" 

Whenever Im feeling guilty or embarrassed about a poor judgement call I've made in the past, this is what I do:

1. STOP! Don't allow your mind to take over and keep reminding you of your mistake. This is dangerous and it can lead you onto a downward spiral of negativity which will only serve to delay your personal growth and wear you out before you've started. I will often say to myself in a gently persuasive voice, something like "Come on Mumtaz don't go there now." And that's all it takes to stop the spiral from taking hold.

2. LOVE myself more than I love my best friend. That way I'm guaranteed to be kind to myself. Who sits across the table from their best friend and calls them a lazy, fat and useless failure? You just wouldn't do it! So why are we so prepared to do it to ourselves? As an aside, if your friends do say those things to you then really you need some new friends. Your current friends are not helping you grow as a person. Trust me on this one. Speak kindly to yourself, with love, compassion and forgiveness and treat yourself with the utmost respect. Stand tall and smile.

3. APPROACH the painful or negative memory from a new angle. We always make decisions on the basis of the information we had at that particular time, so I will tell myself that if I had more information at the time, my decision would possibly have been different. The past is done with and I can't change it. I did my best with the facts and resources I had at the time. That's all there is to it, and this is where I am now.

4. DEFINE a new intention regarding the negative memories and adopt that as the replacement feeling for the old memory. 

Before you know it, regrets will be a thing of the past. Instead of dwelling on the past negatively, you'll start to see it more as a reference library of how you used to do things as compared to your new improved way. 

You may have to practise this a few times, but eventually you'll be doing it without even noticing it, and you'll be patting yourself on the back for a job well done!